Too Focused on Work

First, Happy Father’s day to all you dads out there.

So today I had one of those aha moments.

Cory and I were finally going to go to the park where he proposed to celebrate our anniversary (which was May 11^th). I have been wanting and asking for this as my anniversary gift since last year. There always seems to be something in the way. Last summer it was, I was too busy with my three jobs and weather, this year it was weather and more work.

I mentioned it to Cory today that it would be a perfect day to finally do it, the weather was perfect and we were not TOO busy. Cory was worried about getting research done for his new project, so I agreed that on the picnic he could do some research and I would read a bit.

As we got the park and found the spot where Cory proposed we, set up the blanket and took a seat. He then proceeded to try to do research and I decided to read a book on marriage therapy for work.

Just a few pages in I took pause…..WHAT WERE WE DOING? Here we are trying to have a romantic afternoon celebrating our marriage and we’re doing WORK. When did work become way more important that our MARRIAGE. Cory couldn’t concentrate on his research and with good reason… this was not an appropriate environment to do such an activity. I felt like a hypocrite reading a martial therapy book and not even giving attention to my own marriage.

I put the book down turned to my husband and asked him about his goals and dreams for the rest of the year. I knew what I wanted to accomplish and of course what I wanted HIM to accomplish, but wanted to check in on him. We then proceeded to talk about his dreams and goals, insecurities and work. I shared my goals (my first Disney world trip) and we got on the same page and connected emotionally and spiritually.

Such an important but almost scary question to ask is…. How do you think our marriage is going? This question can be anxiety provoking for anyone, even more so for those who view their marriage as having problems and wait longer and longer to address them. I wanted to make sure our life, our marriage is what he thought it would be and wanted. It’s so important to check in with our spouse every now and then.

So many times we can get caught up in life and just keep doing work. I hope you can take some time this week and ask your spouse how they think your marriage is going and their hopes and dreams for the rest of the year, next year, next five years. Take a picnic, a walk, have a nice glass of wine on your porch. Any alone time you can spare will be worth it.

NONJUDGMENTAL COMPASSION

I finally finished reading the book Christian Meditation by James Finley. As I was finishing it up two words stuck out to me nonjudgmental compassion. In the book he is referring to how critical we can be in mediation in relation to how distracted we can become; our racing minds, unsettled body movements, and not obtaining any spiritual consolations.  Contemplating this concept encouraged me to think beyond the discussed distractions, instead, focusing on how it relates to me in other contexts. In my profession I am trained to provide unconditional positive regard to my clients, in that no matter what they say or do I will remain accepting and nonjudgmental. This can allow a certain sense of freedom for the client to be able to address deep hurts and wounds. However, the second the client leaves I have to stop myself from being overly judgmental and critical of myself. Thoughts start to race in my head… did I show that I was tired, did I ask the right questions, is this even helpful, am I even good at this… How is it that I can actively convey nonjudgmental compassion to my client’s but not to me? How many of us strive to convey nonjudgmental compassion to our children, parents, spouses, co-workers but the second it involves ourselves we are our worst critics, it’s like we feel we are not even worth nonjudgmental compassion or any compassion at all. But we are!!!

First let’s define compassion, James Finley a fellow therapist describes it as the “love that recognizes and goes forth to identify with the preciousness of all that is lost and broken within ourselves and others.” When we have nonjudgmental compassion we are able to look at our weakness, faults, failings, and brokenness and not further criticize those parts, but lovingly approach them, accepting them in the moment. When I am feeling inadequate at my job I need to lovingly accept where I am at, still learning, still gaining experience and then let it go; surrender it to God. How many of us, especially when it comes to health and fitness goals, let our feelings of impatience and frustration with ourselves overcome us. There are feelings of frustration which are entirely understandable, especially when habits persist in spite of our best efforts to overcome them. As we continue to work towards our goals a subtle violence against ourselves starts that is fueled by our impatience for every extra calorie and every workout missed, which in turn makes us want to give up all together. How many of us have forgone dreams and goals because of our impatience with our own brokenness. If this is familiar it’s time to start being compassionate towards yourself.

The one person who practices perfect nonjudgmental compassion constantly is our loving Heavenly Father. He’s not just this way only some of the time, but He is ALWAYS seeing us and speaking to us in this way.  In order to start being “nonjudgmental compassionate” towards ourselves, we need to reflect on how perfect in every moment our Father is seeing us with loving nonjudgmental compassion. If you need examples, go to scripture, read the passage about the Prodigal Son or when Jesus dines with sinners, there are numerous instances of Jesus showing “nonjudgmental compassion”. Reflect on those instances, talk with your loving, compassionate nonjudgmental Father about them as well as how they speak to your heart; share your hurts and brokenness with Him. Let him teach you how to be compassionate towards yourself. Write what you hear down and revisit it when you start becoming impatient and critical.

 

JOURNALING

As a therapist, I recommend journaling a lot of the time to my clients. Journaling is helpful for many different reasons. Some include, being able to take a step back and think about the events in your life, have a way to write down and tell your story as well as express your emotions. The list goes on. I had a recent discussion with a friend about keeping a journal which I recommended that she start as new one as she embarked on a new stage in her life. This made me reflect on my own discovery of how journals can be helpful not too long ago.

A few months ago I was trying to correct some faulty beliefs I had about myself and my source of self-worth. As I was journaling, I decided to go through all my journals I kept during high school and college to gain insight into the origins of these false beliefs that were now crippling me in being able to be myself. What I discovered was astonishing, I was able to find exactly what I was looking for. I found themes that occurred and developed throughout my journal keeping.  I found myself searching for my self-worth in the men I sought after and in role-model figures. I saw my need to for attention from these people and a theme of anxiety when around them. Being able to see this develop and evolve over ten years enlightened me and gave me a power to change it.

I was also taken back this week when I had not journaled for a while and felt I was in a good place and wanted to check back on how I felt exactly a year ago, as I was searching for the same date a year ago, I finally came to the first day I started the journal, which marked a new stage in my life. This coincidence took me back and I became thankful for the grace God continues to give me in my life to grow into the person he made me to be.  

I challenge you to start a journal if you don’t have one already and if you do to reflect back on past journals to see how you have grown. Are you headed in the direction you want to go in? Have you reached goals that you have written down? Do you still hold on to hurts? As we take this journey of life, no matter what you want to write about, physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual aspects of yourself it is way to also monitor progress, to see how you have grown into the person you are today and gain a better sense of where you would like to go.

If you’re in one of my fitness challenge groups, it’s a great way to monitor your struggles, to be able to go back and say, this made me emotionally eat, but now it does not really have any power over me or I forgot I had lost so much weight at that time and it made me feel so happy and confident. We keep track of so many things in our lives, why not the most important, ourselves and our journey in becoming the person God has made us to be.

God Peace,

Cherie

STARTING A BLOG

Okay… here I go.

I am deciding that I want to start a blog; it’s been on my mind for some time, to share with you my own struggles as well as insights I learn from day to day. I never thought I would be one to write a blog, I consider myself a pretty private person and I especially don’t like sharing my feelings or faults, but here I go, making myself a little more vulnerable so that I can challenge myself to grow and in the meantime hoping to share things with you that may help you in your own journey.

I want to thank you in advance for following me and taking the time to read. I pray that this can be a space for growth and grace.

Cherie